In episode 28 of the Roadmap to Secure Love podcast, Kyle Benson and Kimberly Castelo explore a deceptively simple yet vital concept: trusting yourself. While it might sound like a self-help cliché, trusting yourself is actually one of the most essential components of developing emotional security, making grounded decisions, and fostering authentic connection in relationships.
And yet—for many of us—it’s also one of the hardest things to do. This episode digs into why we often abandon our gut instincts, how to differentiate between feelings and thoughts, and what it really means to build a secure self. Grounded in attachment theory, the conversation explores how anxious attachment and avoidant attachment patterns can interfere with trusting ourselves. Whether you’re in a romantic relationship, navigating friendships, or doing your own inner work, the insights from this episode can reshape how you show up for yourself—and others, ultimately guiding you toward a more secure attachment.
The Problem: We’ve Been Trained to Distrust Ourselves
From an early age, many of us are taught—intentionally or not—to doubt our internal experience. We’re told things like:
- “You’re being too sensitive.”
- “Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about.”
- “That’s not what happened.”
These messages reinforce a belief that our emotions are too much, our instincts are wrong, or someone else always knows better. Over time, we learn to disconnect from our feelings and rely on thoughts, beliefs, and external validation instead. This emotional disconnection can severely impact emotional intimacy and leave us feeling misunderstood in our closest relationships. Rather than fostering emotional attunement, we start prioritizing logic over lived experience—missing the subtle emotional cues that are crucial for connection.
This disconnect can become especially damaging in adult relationships. Instead of listening to that uncomfortable feeling in our gut, we override it. We tolerate red flags. We say “yes” when we mean “no.” We rush to make decisions just to avoid discomfort or conflict. Over time, this can result in feeling disconnected from ourselves and our partners, especially when we consistently miss opportunities for repair attempts or fail to turn toward your partner in moments of need.
Kyle and Kim both share personal experiences of moments when they ignored their gut—and paid the price. These stories remind us that the cost of not trusting yourself often shows up later in the form of regret, resentment, or the aching sense of not feeling seen in love.
Why Listening to Your Gut Is More Than Just a Feeling
One of the most fascinating insights from the episode is the biological basis of gut instincts. Kim explains that the vagus nerve connects our brain to our stomach, allowing our body to send early warning signals before our thoughts even catch up. That “off” feeling in your stomach? It’s not imaginary—it’s your nervous system doing its job. But instead of listening, we often rush past it
In relationships, this can look like missing early signs of emotional triggers, mismanaging conflict, or falling into familiar relational patterns where defensiveness and shame in relationships take over. When we ignore our gut, we’re more likely to repeat the same conflict cycle without understanding what’s really driving it. Practicing self-awareness and conflict management begins by honoring those initial body cues rather than overriding them. Here are some examples:
- Agreeing to something before checking in with yourself
- Feeling unsettled but dismissing it as “drama”
- Getting emotionally overwhelmed and pushing harder instead of pausing
As Kyle shares, one of the most important practices in building a secure self is slowing down. Give yourself permission to say, “Can I think about this and get back to you?” That moment of reflection may be exactly what your nervous system needs to find clarity.
The Difference Between Feelings, Thoughts, and Beliefs
“I feel like you don’t care about me” is a belief.
“You’re not listening to me” is a thought.
“I feel hurt” or “I feel lonely” is a feeling.
Kimberly brings attention to a critical distinction that many people miss: feelings are not the same as thoughts or beliefs. This clarity is essential in healing relationships, especially when partners are navigating an intimacy mismatch or emotional disconnect.
Understanding this distinction is a vital step in the relationship roadmap toward secure love. Beliefs and thoughts can (and should) be questioned. Kim encourages listeners to get curious:
- Where did this belief come from?
- Would this hold up in a court of law?
- Has this person actually said or done the thing I’m assuming?
Feelings, on the other hand, are meant to be held, not debated. When we treat emotions as problems to fix instead of experiences to be honored, we silence ourselves. And when we do that repeatedly, we start losing trust in ourselves—creating challenges in relationships and making building trust more difficult over time.
What a Secure Self Actually Looks Like
A secure self isn’t someone who always knows the right answer immediately. It’s someone who’s willing to pause, tune in, and own their emotional truth—even if it’s messy, unclear, or inconvenient. Some qualities of a secure self discussed in the episode include:
- The ability to pause instead of react
- Comfort with changing your mind after reflection
- Willingness to name your feelings clearly and directly
- The courage to honor your gut, even if others disagree
Both Kyle and Kim note that trusting yourself may not always be met with enthusiasm—especially from people who are used to you abandoning your needs. That’s okay. Building emotional security isn’t about pleasing others; it’s about aligning with your values and inner wisdom.
Key Takeaways from the Episode
- Your gut is wise – Learn to recognize and respect what your body is telling you.
- Slow down – Pause before reacting or committing; give your body and mind time to align.
- Separate facts from feelings – Challenge your beliefs and thoughts, but honor your emotions.
- Give yourself permission to change – You’re allowed to revisit a decision once you’ve sat with it.
- Self-trust is the gateway to secure love – The more grounded you are in yourself, the safer others will feel around you.
Final Thoughts
Trusting yourself doesn’t mean you’ll never make mistakes. It means you’re building a relationship with yourself rooted in awareness, compassion, and alignment. The more you practice tuning in and honoring your internal signals, the less likely you are to betray your needs, silence your truth, or stay in relationships that don’t serve you.
As Kyle and Kim beautifully show in this episode, self-trust is a muscle—and it grows every time you slow down, listen in, and respond from a place of integrity.
Follow The Roadmap to Secure Love on Apple, Spotify, and YouTube.
Sign up for The Secure Attachment Path course to learn practical tools for building secure connections.
Until next time, stay connected and keep listening with love.
Listen to previous episodes of the podcast below:
Transcript for Episode 28: From Doubt to Trust: How Building a Secure Self Starts Within
Kim:
Welcome to the Roadmap to Secure Love! In today’s episode, Kyle and I are discussing how learning to trust your gut can help you build emotional clarity and create deeper, more secure relationships. Let’s dive in!
Kyle:
“Listen to your gut, listen to your gut” — we’ve heard that a million times, right?
Kim:
We have! I used to joke and say, “Yeah, my gut’s telling me I’m hungry.”
But there’s real science behind it, Kyle. The vagal nerve runs from our brain to our stomach. When we feel uncertain or anxious, it can cause that sensation in our gut.
Most of us, though, haven’t really learned — or been given permission — to listen to it.
Kyle:
Right. We’ve had life experiences that taught us not to trust our gut. We’ve developed beliefs like, “Someone else knows better,” or “This is the best I’m going to get.”
I know that from personal experience. Becoming a therapist really stemmed from my history of unhealthy relationships. I didn’t trust my gut.
Things felt off — I remember feeling knots in my stomach — but I kept trying to make the relationship work, despite all the red flags.
Because I believed that was the best I could do.
Kim:
Yeah, and I think a lot of times we get confused between thoughts, beliefs, and feelings.
Kyle:
Absolutely. People will often say, “I’m feeling unheard,” or “I’m feeling like you don’t listen to me,” but those aren’t feelings — they’re beliefs.
Kim:
Thank you! Exactly.
A feeling would be: “I’m feeling rejected,” “I’m feeling anxious,” “I’m feeling frustrated.”
A thought would be: “You’re not listening to me.”
A belief might be: “No one listens to me, so why should I even try?”
Kyle:
And when we confuse those, it gets sneaky. We stop trusting the feeling in our body, and instead trust these thoughts or beliefs that block us from being secure in relationships.
But a secure self listens to the gut. It listens to that connection from the brain, down the vagal nerve, into the stomach.
Kim:
Even when we don’t immediately know why we feel sick to our stomach or anxious, we have to slow down and listen.
Kyle:
Exactly. So, how do we actually slow down and reconnect with our gut, especially when all these thoughts and beliefs are swirling around in our heads?
Kim:
When it’s a thought or belief, we can push back.
We can ask:
- Is this really happening?
- Where did I learn this?
- Would this hold up in a court of law?
If someone didn’t explicitly tell me, “I hate you,” then maybe my thought (“They hate me”) isn’t fact — it’s just a belief.
But when it’s a feeling — “I feel lonely,” “I feel rejected,” “I feel insecure” — we need to hold it.
We need to say to ourselves, “I hear you. Something’s off, and I’m going to tend to you. You deserve better than this yuckiness.”
Kyle:
That’s really hard to do, especially because we live in such a fast-paced world where slowing down feels unsafe.
If we didn’t grow up with people who held space for our emotions, it can feel really scary to stay with them now.
Kim:
Right. If a parent said, “I’ll give you something to cry about,” that wasn’t holding space — that was making emotions feel unsafe.
Kyle:
Exactly. And now, part of the healing is learning to make space to hold our emotions without trying to solve or rush past them.
Kim:
You actually do this really well with me, Kyle.
Sometimes I’ll come to you with an idea, and you’ll say, “Can I just sit with it for a moment and get back to you?”
You’re giving yourself time to listen to your gut.
Kyle:
Thanks, Kim.
You’ve picked that up too — giving yourself permission to revisit things if your initial answer didn’t sit right.
It’s okay to say, “Hey, I told you yes or no earlier, but I need some time to really think about it.”
Kim:
No one’s ever said to me, “Well, you already gave your answer, you can’t change your mind.”
In safe relationships, people are fine with you taking the time you need.
Kyle:
Because they want the authentic you — not a rushed, disconnected version of you.
Kim:
Exactly.
Sometimes, especially when we’re overwhelmed, we don’t immediately know what our gut is saying.
Even as therapists, it’s not always 100% clear!
Kyle:
Totally.
When I first started in therapy work, I realized that when I felt overwhelmed, I had a tendency to push harder.
But my individual therapist once told me: “Man is the only animal that runs faster when he is lost.”
That hit me hard.
Sometimes working harder wasn’t smarter — it was just me running faster without direction.
Kim:
I love that quote.
So really, slowing down and listening to our gut helps us focus on what actually matters, not just staying busy.
Kyle:
Exactly.
We can’t do a million things at once — relationally or professionally.
Slowing down helps us tune into what is essential for our heart, our connection, and our own secure self.
Kim:
So, what I’m hearing is:
- We have to slow down to have a secure self.
- We need to listen to our gut.
- We must differentiate between thoughts and beliefs (which we can push back against) and feelings (which we need to hold).
- We have to honor our emotional truth.
Kyle:
And when we honor ourselves by trusting our gut, we stay in alignment with who we are and what’s best for our hearts — even though it’s hard.
Kim:
Exactly.
And not everyone’s going to like it when you start putting yourself on the map and saying, “I matter.”
Unless someone is secure themselves, they might even get offended when you say, “Hey, I need time to think about this.”
Kyle:
Right.
But that’s okay.
You have to look in the mirror and say: “I’m worth not betraying myself today.”
Push back against the old beliefs that say you don’t matter.
Fight back. Don’t settle.
Follow Kyle and Kim on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and YouTube.
Sign up for the Secure Attachment Path Course to explore your attachment style, uncover relationship patterns, and learn practical tools for building secure connections.
Until next time — stay connected and love fully.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
1. What does it mean to “trust your gut” in relationships?
Trusting your gut means tuning into the physical sensations and emotions in your body as valid sources of information, rather than ignoring them in favor of external opinions or limiting beliefs.
2. How is the gut physically connected to emotional awareness?
The vagus nerve runs from the brain to the gut, creating a mind-body connection. Feelings of anxiety, uncertainty, or security often manifest physically in the stomach area.
3. Why is it hard for some people to trust their gut instincts?
Past experiences, trauma, or upbringing can teach us to distrust our instincts. For example, if emotions weren’t held or validated in childhood, it may feel unsafe to listen to internal cues.
4. How can I tell the difference between a thought, belief, and feeling?
- Thoughts are interpretations (e.g., “You must not like me.”)
- Beliefs are deeply held convictions (e.g., “No one listens to me.”)
- Feelings are emotional states (e.g., “I feel anxious,” “I feel rejected.”)
Recognizing the difference is key to responding appropriately.
5. What should I do when I feel unsure about a decision?
Slow down. Give yourself permission to sit with the emotion without rushing to a conclusion. You can say, “Can I have some time to think about it and get back to you?”
6. Is it okay to change my mind after saying ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to something?
Yes. A secure self allows space for reassessing feelings and revisiting conversations. Authentic relationships honor flexibility and emotional honesty.
7. How do I begin practicing slowing down and connecting with my feelings?
Start by pausing when you’re feeling overwhelmed. Ask yourself:
- “Is this a thought, belief, or feeling?”
- “What is my body telling me right now?”
Practice holding emotions without needing to fix them immediately.
8. What happens if someone doesn’t like me slowing down or changing my mind?
Not everyone will respond positively, especially if they are not secure themselves. But honoring your truth and emotional needs is a vital part of building a secure self.
9. How does trusting my gut impact my relationships?
Listening to your gut helps you show up more authentically, set better boundaries, and build deeper, more secure connections with others.
10. What are the key takeaways from this episode?
- Trust your gut.
- Slow down and feel your emotions.
- Differentiate between thoughts, beliefs, and feelings.
- Honor your emotional truth without betraying yourself.
11. Where can I learn more about these practices?
You can follow Kim and Kyle on YouTube, Spotify, or Apple Podcasts. You can also enroll in their Secure Attachment Path course, linked in the show notes, to explore your attachment style and learn tools for building secure, connected relationships.
